A workshop on workshops?  Say wha?!?

Well “to workshop” an idea means to expand, explore and examine that idea; see what makes it tick, see what really resonates for us, and what doesn’t.  Trust me, it’s awesome and useful.  And not just for people new to kink, but anyone who wants a more clear understanding of how kink plays out in their own lives.

We’re going to spend a few hours together getting clear(er) on our desires so we can:

  • Get more of what we actually want out of kink
  • Recognize what’s important to communicate when negotiating play/relationships/one night stands
  • Have language around our most hard to describe desires

And more. Expect a night of rich discussion and thought provoking questions.  Also, feel free to pack markers, crayons, pencil crayons, stickers, ect ;)



April 17, 7:30 – 9:30pm
425 Vaughan Rd (The Hermit’s Lamp)
Cost: $20 per person
Spaces are limited  - so register to make sure you get a space by shooting me an e-mail: heather@authenticsexualyou.com



verb  informal
kiss and cuddle amorously
They were canoodling in the corner
Sometimes figuring out who’s okay to hit on and who’s not in spaces that include both mono, non-mono and poly people can be difficult.  No one enjoys missing the opportunity to share something fun with another person they find attractive; and when you get used to the ask for what you want method, it can start to seem like the best plan is to just ask everyone, all the time.
This can lead to a lot of unnecessarily hurt feelings due to bad timing.  For instance, when my partner and I are headed into the designated sex area of the con hand in hand, taking that moment to introduce him to the gorgeous brunette who you’ve been telling about his skilled hands and trying to set up a date for them is actually  interrupting my date.   And while I”m sure no one is trying to be a jerk in this scenario, the interrupter had no idea how I would respond to this, and took a big risk (in that it could have blown up our date) with very little information.    [I'm happy to report that was one of my handling challenges well moments, and I excused myself to set up our date - chux, condoms, gloves, lube, etc; and then stretch until he was finished.  Also happy to report that my lover had the good sense to realize I was waiting and dealt with our interruption as quickly as possible.]
So, when you’re unsure of someone’s mono/non mono standing,  how do you know if  it’s cool to hit on someone?  And further to that, how do you know when it’s a good time to work your mojo?  How do you KNOW?!?  
Well, you can’t just know – at least not fully, and not until you have a wealth of experience under your belt.  Even if once someone was okay with being interrupted, you’ll likely find a different response if you make a habit of it.  Or you might catch them on a bad day, or they may have recently closed their relationship, or, or, or.  BUT there are a number of ways you can get better information so you make less fuax pas.  The easiest (and most obvious) way to know?  Ask the people involved.
Find out from them their relationship status, if it’s cool to make introductions to new potentials interests and when a good time for those introductions are.  And while you’re at it, figure out how introductions can be made in a way that’s kosher with everyone involved.  Do this informally, maybe over drinks at a poly meet up or munch – don’t do it when they’re already engaged with each other.
Not a fan of that direct style of communication?  Or maybe you just didn’t get the time to yet?  Well, this is where our Poly Pro Tip comes in.

Respect the Canoodole

If you see people actively engaged with each other (kisses, cuddles, hand held leading, deep eye gazing, limbs wrapped around bodies etc) now is not the time to interrupt them.  Their focus is on each other (and to be clear, each other might mean more than 2 people) and that’s likely to best place for it to stay at the moment.
Save your introductions/hook ups/declarations of lust  for another time.
I get that while love is infinite, time is not – but trust me when I say, believing that you will have more opportunities to connect with someone and let them know you like them will start any explorations with this person off on such a better foot  - not to mention show their partners that you respect all the relationships at play, not just the one you want to have.   And if they really don’t?  Consider that your crystal ball and ask yourself Do I want to be fighting for this person’s time? before you get involved with them.

e[lust] #55


Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #56? Start with the rules, come back March 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Why I Post Nude Photos (and blog about sex)

Discovering Myself Through My Strap-On

Sex Toy Shaming and Bigoted Wise Cracks, FTW!


~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Aftercare and BDSM Play

Two worlds


~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Regulating Our Fantasies

Wanna know what other goodies are packed into this issue?

Continue reading ‘e[lust] #55’

If you’ve ever been to one of my flirting or pick up play classes (or, yanno, had any sort of conversation about those things with me) you’ve probably heard me say Fuck flirting.  It’s not because I hate flirting (I’m actually a pretty big fan) – I just don’t think it’s the most efficient way to get the attention you want from the objects of your attraction; especially if what you want is a specific thing.

Here’s the deal.  Flirting is a great way to see who you have that sparkly things called chemistry with.  But it doesn’t tell you if the other person necessarily wants to act on that chemistry, or if they’re into the same things you’re into.  Which is totally great when you’ve got time to sort that out, but significantly less great when you’re trolling the dungeon for for pick up play or hoping to hook up at a weekend event.

Plus at the end of the day, there are just too many ways that people can miss flirt clues that are put before them.

So what’s a more effective way to get that attention you want?  Targeted marketing – work on attracting the attention of the group you most desire and let them come to you.  

There are all sorts of ways to do this, either by casting a narrow net (like a personal ad in the message boards of  a con you’re planning on attending) or casting a wide net (like flagging and seeing who bites).  One of my favourite ways it to splash my interests right across my chest a la t-shirts; so when I came across the the other day, I really really wanted to share them with you.

  • Down To Cuddle - Not so much with the DTF?  This shirt has your back!
  • Wanted:  Cuddle Buddy - take things one step further and let people know you’re not just down for it, you’re looking for it.
  • Tease and Denial fetish anyone?
  • Ready to Mingle - I love this one because it doesn’t say single –  non-mono ho!
  • Single - Afraid some might think you’re unavailable?
  • So Gay - No homo?  pish – don’t even.  So.  Homo.
  • I enjoy a good Spanking – ever worry you won’t find your fellow Spankos at a con?  Never again.

Happy Hook ups!

This search term has brought enough people to my blog that I’m officially making an entry for it.

Because I feel strongly about this y’all.

I would advise against this kind of activity, solely for the reason that wax breaks easily and you really, really don’t want to be getting things stuck in your Urethra.  If the warm sensation is something you’re interested in combining with urethra play, I’d suggesting looking into ways you can warm sounds before using them.    If it’s the wax on genitals sensation you’re looking for, plug up for protection and go to town.

Quick note for those playing with a urethra/vulva combo, due to the close proximity of the urethra to the vaginal opening I’m going to advise (while we’re on the topic) not putting wax inside the vaginal opening either.  I’m willing to through a little less side-eye at this one because at least you could do a  finger check or douche to ensure the wax was out – but that comes with it’s own disruption of vagainal flora consequences.  

I guess this is the kinda fetish that, at the end of the day, falls into the more risky than it needs to be category.  While you’re free to make your choices, I’ll still be here advocating for the least risky way and critical thinking in all things.


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Performance and Kink is something I constantly have trouble wrapping my head around.  Call me a philistine, and please understand that I say this with no negative judgements, but when it comes to sexuality, I have almost no interest in performance – either being part of one or watching one.

The core of my kink is connection; creating and sharing moments with the people I’m engaged with.  I don’t care much where we go from there, or how we get there, but what draws me has always been the connection.  I can’t even imagine doing what I do for anyone other than the people I’m playing directly with.

Don’t get me wrong; I can definitely enjoy the right (contributing to my pleasure – not morally right) kind of exhibitionism.  I’ve happily squirmed under the gaze of a stranger who was watching me play – years later I’m fondly amazed by how much was able to be conveyed via eye contact; not to mention the safest way to tap into my anonymous encounters fetish.  But in those moments performance becomes a by-product of connection; not the other way around.

So if I’m not here to slag on performance; what am I here to do?  Impart some kink wisdom about what we can do to more often get the play we want to get.

First, know your motivation going into a scene; make sure it matches with your motivation for why you do kink in the first place.  If what draws you to kink is power over someone; why play without power exchange?  If what draws you to kink is the sexy violence; why set up scenes that don’t include sexy play?

Next, give a little thought to how you’ll connect to that motivation in your scene.  Will it be the words you use?  The position you take?  Perhaps the cuffs you put on, or even the energy you tap into.

See the thing is, you can’t fake a feeling – not to yourself anyway.  No matter what you saw during that really hot rope performance, or clip on kink.com, or even that interrogation scene you saw in your local play space.  Sometimes things that are really hot to see other people do fall flat on us; because it just doesn’t bring that thing that excites us about kink.  And instead of being disappointed; I challenge you to see how this can be an opportunity to refine your ideas about what gets you hot, what gets you off, and how you can manifest that in your own explorations of sexuality.

Other people can server as great inspiration for our own fantasies; but to truly get that hotness into our own lives we need to think about what turns us on; not other people.

I don’t want you to remake me in the image you see fit.

I want you to trust my desire to be the strongest, smartest, bravest, most honest, most compassionate, most curious, best me that I can be each day. You will be a tool in that growth; but the hammer doesn’t draw the blueprints; it simply helps the home come to be.

I want you to be deeply invested in the person I am and curious about who I will be.

I want you revel in my willingness to go splunking in the dark places of my mind and my soul.

I want you to be endlessly fascinated with my ability to grow with each challenge, to be come stronger with each ordeal.

I don’t want you to ask me to slow down; I want you to be moved to keep pace with me.

I want you to understand it’s a responsibility to be in charge. My submission is no more a gift than your dominance; it is an agreement; but a precious one.

I understand that too.

Because I don’t want to remake you in the image that I see fit.

I trust your desire to be the strongest, smartest, bravest, most honest, most compassionate, most curious best you that you can be each day. I know that I am a tool in your growth, but I cannot make you grow.

I will revel in your willingness to reach into the dark places of your mind and your soul.

I will be endlessly fascinated with your ability to grow with each challenge, I will celebrate with you when you share what you’ve learned.

I will not ask you to slow down; instead I will do the work I need to do to keep pace with you.

This is my promise to you.

For as long as it makes sense for us to be together.

Originally posted to FetLife – April 2013 – reposted here for sharing purposes

Sounding – also known as cock stuffing –  is the practice of inserting something into the urethra.  Like most things while you can technically put a wide variety of things down (in?  up?) there, here are a few things in mind:

The urethra is a sensitive place.  Bacteria in it can lead to urinary tract infections, which in turn can lead to a whole bunch of complications ending in ‘itis.  So when choosing a sound, you want something easy to clean.  Pick instruments that are solid and without seams.  If what you’re using does have seams, pay special attention to cleaning those areas so the bacteria can’t hide.  You also want something sturdy – please do not put anything likely to break (like glass thermometers) in there.

Before we go any further, I should note that the necessary equipment for sounding is a urethra – it doesn’t matter if that urethra lives in a penis or a vulva.  That said, I have zero experience sounding urethra’s that live in vulvas, so everything you’ll read below specifically relates to penises.

Investing in a set of sounds might seem expensive from the start; but having the right tools is worth it for this activity.  Remember, you don’t have to get a full kit, or even a full sound to start.  “Penis Plugs” won’t go as deep as a sounds, so that can be a way to ease yourself in.  Individual sounds in varying sizes are a bit harder to find; my web searches have really only turned up Black Rabbit – which is an Australia based online retailer.

Commonly sounds are made from stainless steel, which means you can boil them clean between uses, but do also give them a quick wipe down with a body safe disinfectant wipe (alcohol, iodine, etc) right before you use them again.

Once you’ve got your sounds, you’ve cleaned them, and you’re ready to go, grab some lube (many people recommended Surgilube – which you can usually pick up while ordering your sounds), coat the head of the sound well and drop it in.  Size-wise, you want to start with as large as possible, while still easily sliding in – without any feelings of stretching just yet.

While you might have to gently manipulate the penis or sound to help it along its path, you shouldn’t be forcing it.  Risks of forcing include things like puncturing the urethral wall – not good. Despite a drop that might make you wonder if it’ll fall in, sounds stop naturally when they hit the bladder.  They can enter the bladder, but that’s more advanced than I’m comfortable writing about.  To avoid piecing the bladder, don’t use any real amount of pressure or force to move the sound further if it’s already in deep and you’ve got resistance.

What you do once the sound is in is largely up to you.  Some people like to play with themselves, some prefer to lay back and soak in the sensation.  Some people like to move the sound up and down, others like to press on their perineum (taint) to feel the sound press against their prostate.  Others like to adjust to the sensation of the current sound for a moment before moving a size up.  Keep in mind; anytime the sound isn’t moving smoothly, pull it out, add more lube and reinsert.

You may feel some burning or pressure while you’re doing this – it comes with playing with sensitive tissue.  You shouldn’t feel any sharp pain though so if you do, back off and evaluate before trying again. Are you trying to force it in?  Are you having a strange reaction to the lube?  If you try again and the pain continues, go seek a knowledgeable person who can give you some suggestions or training before you try again.

As always, these kink of the week articles are just a starting point.  It’s a great idea to do more reading, or seek out members of your local community who are practiced in sounding that can help you out with questions; or even help you experience it for the first time.  Here are some additional resourced to check out:

  • In depth sounding article – including discussion of different types of sounds for erect vs flaccid play, troubleshooting – and Winter (the author) pops into the comments now and then to answer questions.
  • Sounding on Kink Academy – two videos, including a demonstration of sounding.  Both video’s are members only, but as you know, quality education is worth the price!

Recently I had the privilege of participating in Playground, Toronto’s annual sexuality conference.  The Conference sets itself a big mandate; to be inclusive of all communities; and while it’s not perfect, I think the conference truly is planned with this goal in mind and the organizers give it more than mere lip service.  At this point what will make it better is continued growth in audience and in speaker reach; and I believe that will happen – after all, I’ve been attending Playground since 2011 and have seen it grow  bigger and better each year.

This year I spoke in 3 different sessions:  Kink Outside of the Community, BDSM and Feminism, and the closing plenary Cultivating Resistance: Challenging Spaces, Supporting Selves – and have I mentioned that I’m grateful the conference producers JP and Sam trusted Aida and I enough to accept a proposal original titled What to do when our spaces fuck us over – two guesses as to who proposed that title ;)

As always I left the conference coming up with points I wish I had expanded on; but – and really especially in time limited situations there is only so much that can be said without me being a total panel hog; and I’ve got my own blog.  I don’t need to hog the mic one bit.

So I wanted to expand today on what I meant when I said my BDSM informs my feminism and vice versa.  I know these two can seem like conflicting identities and that this particular intersection is something a lot of people struggle with when they explore one or the other.  Really, in the whole time I’ve considered myself to be both a feminist and a pervert they’ve been at odds in various sorts of ways.

Does that surprise you to hear?  That I’m not as settled as I’d like to be? Because I’m not – frankly, I’m not sure anyone could be perfectly settled on these pairing of practices without going the no fucks route.  BDSM and feminism are strange bedfellows indeed: one is founded on the principles of equality and justice; and the other is often about revelling in all things problematic.  Yes choice is key, but to shove any further questioning away by answering choice ignores the various complexities that go into my choices.  They aren’t always from a healthy or informed place and I need to regard them critically.

So, at this point in my life I’ve come to embrace both as the other’s check and balance.  For me, they actually help keep each other honest; and keep me on the path that I really do want to walk in life.

BDSM has taught my feminism to be more open-minded; to spend more time considering personal perspectives, and to pause and investigate before passing moral judgement on the various thoughts, opinions and arguments that come my way.  It’s also shown me how to separate out fantasy and reality and that making space for both is emotionally healthy for me.

In turn, feminism pushes my BDSM to be more considerate of others: there is most definitely a line between okay and not – even in this world – and that line is other people.  When you fetishize a thing it remains a thing.  When you fetishize a person (and their race, gender, ability, genitalia, etc) you’re turning that person into a thing – and that’s not okay.  Your desires don’t trump someone else’s autonomy (hat tip to Mollena Williams for insights that helped me get my thoughts readable on this).  That is not okay.  Think about it – if any black man, Asian girl, woman with a penis or amputee will do; you’ve made a misstep; go back reconsider, do better.  What is it really that turns you on?  Whatever quality that is, it cannot be generalize to a group, so get straight on the qualities that get you hot and go out looking for them and never forget that people are not fetishes.

Feminism also makes me more aware of the political implications of my personal choices.  As a fellow conference goer pointed out during the session, our personal choices are informed by our politics and our social realities just as much as our personal choices impact and affect our politics and social realities – it’s all layers and complexities up in here; and that means pretty consistent engagement with what I do and how I do it.  Yes, this can be exhausting, so I’ve also carved out spaces for myself where I can drop that engagement, turn off that part of my brain and be.  Is that feminist or not?  Who knows – it’s self-care and I can’t be out here in the world doing what I do without it.  But those spaces are private, and shared only with people I can be sure get what’s going on between us and the larger political and social implications of that.  I prefer to play and fuck feminists, womanists, humanists and activists because they get that in a way a lot of people don’t.

I’m honestly not sure if these two very important parts of my life will ever be fully compatible; both my feminism and my sexuality continuously evolve in ways that require me to take in new information and shred outdated mindsets on a regular basis – so settled might never actually be on the table.

But at this point I appreciate them both and the qualities they bring to my life and that’s good enough for me.

I met a girl this weekend…. well, we were never actually introduced, but I’m pretty sure her name started with a T.

We were both at the same birthday party, which included a field trip to a northern country bar. We flirted; danced, snuggled, held hands – but every time I asked to kiss her, she didn’t say yes.

She said other things like: Oh I just got out of a relationship….. or I don’t really know you that well…..

And she said those things while rubbing my leg, or holding my waist – but she didn’t say yes.

And it’s true, despite my own general ask once than drop it stance, I asked her twice because the signals were really strong, and really positive.

Please, kiss me by  aramolara

But she didn’t say yes.

So I took her at her word, and I didn’t kiss her.

Why didn’t she say yes?

Maybe because the idea of kissing a girl while sober was too deep a step into bisexuality. Maybe because we constantly had an audience of guys waiting for us to get sexy. Maybe because she does feel more comfortable kissing people she knows the last name of – or who know her first name. Maybe because she didn’t find me attractive and wasn’t actually sure what to do with my attention towards her except reciprocate?

I can’t really know what her motivation was.

And maybe she woke up on Sunday regretting *not* kissing me and it will be enough of a push for her to explore her orientation a bit more.  Or maybe she’ll wake up and regret not kissing me and look me up.  Or maybe she’ll wake up and be really thankful she made the choices she because it was the right choice for her.

Again, I can’t know what’s going on in her mind. But here’s what I can know:  She won’t wake up regretting kissing someone, she didn’t really want to.

Which is good, because I don’t want to be someone’s sexual regret.  I want my connections to be desired, and leave people feeling positive in some way – if not lustily wanting more.

And if the cost of that is missing out on kissing a few pretty girls? It’s a cost I’m totally willing to pay.


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