What if consensual nonconsent didn’t have to be about taking?
What if it was simply never having access to a yes or no in the first place?
CNC can be an incredibly hot fantasy for some people. For others, it’s an incredibly scary fantasy one. For many people? It’s both. Thematically, cnc dances dangerously close to something many of us who experience violence or the threat of violence in daily life fear: assault, rape, harassment, having our bodies acted upon without choice. Tempting perhaps to write off this fear as oh, it’s CONSENSUAL nonconsent – it’s not the same thing, we have far too many examples of actual nonconsent wrapped into the guise of cnc to just let it’s different because it IS be the answer. While I don’t want to take this particular posting too off track, if you’re planning on engaging in rough, sexual cnc play, please consider your motivation, your rough plan of what will make the experience enjoyable for you (pleasure counts – even when it’s double secret reserve anti-pleasure-pleasure), and an emergency landing plan for if the shit should hit the fan.
What I want to offer you here is a different way to access consensual nonconsent; through objectification or dehumanizing. This angle paints another picture of cnc; one where power isn’t taken or wrestled for you, it simply never existed for you in the first place. You know who doesn’t get a say in what happens to them? Things that aren’t human. Sex robots, animals, furniture – things that lack the agency and choice we’d give a human because they simply aren’t. If the idea of giving up agency makes you hot – but the idea of having your agency taken either through violence or coercion is too much, this just might be the thing for you.
This isn’t to say these things need to be treated badly or violently; my boots lack humanity, but I care for them very well – because I value them. They were passed onto me by an amazing femme; I’ve worn them on some fantastic adventures, and I just paid $106 to have them fixed up when summer heat claimed their soles — because I love these boots.
There’s a lot of space to choose your own adventure here before you step into that object/dehumanized space. We can tell our partner’s about our object-selves, or work with them to create an object that would be delightful for them to play with. What services are programmed into your sex robot self? Are you a companion style pup, or a kitten who rules the roost? Are you a treasured footstool or a velveteen rabbit?
Want even more distance from active negotiations? Create a care and feeding of style manual for your partner to use. Or, have them give you an instruction book and edit it to reflect your boundaries).
Creating a role to step into offers space to create the boundaries of your scene, guidelines, and expectations of that role before that scene even starts. We can set the level of aggression or sexual play at whatever level feels right for this moment, and remember, it’s always easier to add more next time then rebuilt trust or sense of safety lost in a time we went too far.
Playing with objectification and dehumanization in this role play way can also give a sense of time binding to your experience, which makes for a great way of baby stepping into a new style of play. This moment isn’t (necessarily) about changing the entire way you and your partner(s) relate to each other via power dynamics, it’s letting you both explore something within specific parameters. If you do find you like it though, the roles become easy to slip back into next time you want to indulge this fantasy.
Dynamics-wise, this can also be a way for dominant, tops, or the scene lead to get comfortable sitting with that much power. Perfect for newer tops, or play with newer partners. Or it can be a way for a submissive, bottom, or scene follow to see what their partner does with a little bit of power. Will they still treat you with the same respect and care when you have full agency? Will they continue to be mindful of your limits and boundaries?
CNC is a lot bigger than rape play; it’s a lot bigger than aggression, takedowns, or suffering through an experience. And if you want to do those things, that’s totally cool – maybe use this to ease your way in before jumping straight to varsity level sex.
It’s a big wide kinkoverse; this is just one more way to play in it.