To Tops Who Play

Dear Tops,

What is your plan for checking consent in your scene? How do you make sure you partner can and will safe word? What are you going to do when you come to that moment when you forget something mentioned in negotiations? When you aren’t sure about a particular toy? When you can’t tell if this is what your partner meant about ‘the vibe feeling right’?

It’s not a matter of if these questions come up, it’s a matter of when and being a skilled top means having a plan of action in these moments. No, it’s not just on your partner to speak up and use their safe words. Quality tops do the work to ensure they watch for the edges, maintain a space where safe words can be spoken without repercussion and boundaries are not only respected but supported.

How do you practice this watchful eye so that you can weave it seamlessly into your play?

Having boundaries is hard. While they get praised by the larger culture, we don’t truly support them. Instead, we encourage folks to put other’s first, toughen up and ‘get through it,’ or just push themselves a little bit harder (if you doubt me, think about what you actually need to create work-life balance and ask if your job would support that).

When was the last time you had a conversation with a fellow top about how they work to ensure consent is ongoing and maintained through their play and relationships?

Be better than the world around you. Get on your partner’s side and create a space where limits and boundaries are welcomed and respected. The stronger your trust in your partner’s no, the more you can also trust their yes. And it is this trust that creates the foundation of epic play; when you and your partner created a container of experience.  A container rooted deeply in desire, supported by the assurance that everyone is doing exactly what they want to be doing right now.

What are you doing to challenge the dangerous culture of entitlement around you?

Yes. This is absolutely a Top problem, and that means Tops need to be a part of finding the solution. Ask the questions, challenge the bullshit, help make kink better for everyone.

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