I joked rather derisively the other night about what I’ve come to nickname the rigger sniff: that moment where the rigger has their partner in front of them, rope draped across their partner’s front and their nose is buried in said partner’s neck. It seems to have become the new standard of how to tie – and it’s falling short. The fact that its’ falling short isn’t anyone’s fault per se, but it is often what happens when things start to go a little One Twue Way. The One Twue Way will always fail someone. Always. But it’s not you. It’s the nature of The Way.
I’m going to acknowledge right here that it’s easy for me to pick on rope – I’m from Toronto. But this problem shows itself across many genres of kink.
Connection is made through the simplest of actions; but so hard to teach because what it requires is you. Your presence, your attention, your focus. You can follow every step from the book, mimic the instructor to a T, but until you breathe yourself – until you breath your very being into your actions, you’ll never actually connect those actions to anything or anyone.
So I say to you, please stop faking it until you make it. Stop repeating the steps that mean nothing to you just because that’s what you saw in someone else’s picture. Sit quietly with yourself and think about what makes you harden, what makes you soften, what makes you wet and what fuels your lust. Act upon those desires. Forget steps 3-8 and follow your gut, or your loins. Once you’ve got a handle on that, tell your partner. If you can’t tell them, or they can’t tell you, sit with each other and use your other senses to listen. Listen with your eyes and your intuition and your body. Desire is rarely quiet for long. Deny desire and it will scream what it wants to anyone able to listen. Become really good at listening before you speak to clarify and confirm.
Learn where you draw your power from and tap into that before you each encounter. And don’t let being on the right side of the slash fool you into think you can’t be a powerful creature – it’s power exchange – believe it or not, what you can put into your dynamic will actually increase as your own personal sense of power does.
Bring your full self to each moment. Even when – hell especially when that self isn’t what you would like to project to the world. Bring your uncertainty, your insecurity, your fears and vulnerability. Create a rich emotional landscape for you and your partner to play with. Allow your partner to see you.
See your partner as they are – their strengths and their vulnerabilities. Witness each true side they present to you knowing they are everything you see in this moment and so much more. Accept them with your breaths, your voice, your touch, your eyes, your body and movement.
Keep exploring how you do you. Keep listening to the tugs of your desire. Keep showing up and showing yourself. Keep allowing others to show themselves to you.
This is how you build connection. No one can teach you it.
You get this shit into your bones by living it.