On Performance, Inspiration, and Getting the Kink You Want

Performance and Kink is something I constantly have trouble wrapping my head around.  Call me a philistine, and please understand that I say this with no negative judgements, but when it comes to sexuality, I have almost no interest in performance – either being part of one or watching one.

The core of my kink is connection; creating and sharing moments with the people I’m engaged with.  I don’t care much where we go from there, or how we get there, but what draws me has always been the connection.  I can’t even imagine doing what I do for anyone other than the people I’m playing directly with.

Don’t get me wrong; I can definitely enjoy the right (contributing to my pleasure – not morally right) kind of exhibitionism.  I’ve happily squirmed under the gaze of a stranger who was watching me play – years later I’m fondly amazed by how much was able to be conveyed via eye contact; not to mention the safest way to tap into my anonymous encounters fetish.  But in those moments performance becomes a by-product of connection; not the other way around.

So if I’m not here to slag on performance; what am I here to do?  Impart some kink wisdom about what we can do to more often get the play we want to get.

First, know your motivation going into a scene; make sure it matches with your motivation for why you do kink in the first place.  If what draws you to kink is power over someone; why play without power exchange?  If what draws you to kink is the sexy violence; why set up scenes that don’t include sexy play?

Next, give a little thought to how you’ll connect to that motivation in your scene.  Will it be the words you use?  The position you take?  Perhaps the cuffs you put on, or even the energy you tap into.

See the thing is, you can’t fake a feeling – not to yourself anyway.  No matter what you saw during that really hot rope performance, or clip on kink.com, or even that interrogation scene you saw in your local play space.  Sometimes things that are really hot to see other people do fall flat on us; because it just doesn’t bring that thing that excites us about kink.  And instead of being disappointed; I challenge you to see how this can be an opportunity to refine your ideas about what gets you hot, what gets you off, and how you can manifest that in your own explorations of sexuality.

Other people can server as great inspiration for our own fantasies; but to truly get that hotness into our own lives we need to think about what turns us on; not other people.


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