I met a girl this weekend…. well, we were never actually introduced, but I’m pretty sure her name started with a T.
We were both at the same birthday party, which included a field trip to a northern country bar. We flirted; danced, snuggled, held hands – but every time I asked to kiss her, she didn’t say yes.
She said other things like: Oh I just got out of a relationship….. or I don’t really know you that well…..
And she said those things while rubbing my leg, or holding my waist – but she didn’t say yes.
And it’s true, despite my own general ask once than drop it stance, I asked her twice because the signals were really strong, and really positive.
But she didn’t say yes.
So I took her at her word, and I didn’t kiss her.
Why didn’t she say yes?
Maybe because the idea of kissing a girl while sober was too deep a step into bisexuality. Maybe because we constantly had an audience of guys waiting for us to get sexy. Maybe because she does feel more comfortable kissing people she knows the last name of – or who know her first name. Maybe because she didn’t find me attractive and wasn’t actually sure what to do with my attention towards her except reciprocate?
I can’t really know what her motivation was.
And maybe she woke up on Sunday regretting *not* kissing me and it will be enough of a push for her to explore her orientation a bit more. Or maybe she’ll wake up and regret not kissing me and look me up. Or maybe she’ll wake up and be really thankful she made the choices she because it was the right choice for her.
Again, I can’t know what’s going on in her mind. But here’s what I can know: She won’t wake up regretting kissing someone, she didn’t really want to.
Which is good, because I don’t want to be someone’s sexual regret. I want my connections to be desired, and leave people feeling positive in some way – if not lustily wanting more.
And if the cost of that is missing out on kissing a few pretty girls? It’s a cost I’m totally willing to pay.