It’s been a busy few weeks. In addition to being my birthday, an all night, city wide art festival, thanksgiving, and the monthly TNG munch, it’s also my kink-a-versary (kink-o-versary? I’m bad at making words….) – 8 years of being part of the public kink community. Kinda fitting that this month’s question forces me to do a little looking back to my younger self.
If you could give your new-to-kink-self any advice, what would that be?
I’m sure the answer to this could be so much longer than it’s about to be, but these two points are what jumped out right away, and I’m a pretty firm believe in paying attention to your gut instinct when it comes to kink.
Be as honest as possible; especially with yourself.
The vast majority of things that I tried to talk myself into, or agreed to do when I was totally feeling it lead to me not feeling great about the situation when all was said and done. I don’t want to say everything because it’s super rare that things are true 100% of the time – but I’m having a hard time coming up with examples of a time I did something I wasn’t sure of that turned out great the next day.
The same thing can be said about stuff I’ve tried to deny about myself. I’m pretty sure my descent into switchiness would have been a lot smoothier if I’d been willing to explore my desires instead of packing them away in the name of being a good submissive.
As honest as possible is a policy that’s really working for me, and I do believe, for my partners/lovers/relationships these days.
If you aren’t 100% sure, ask for clarification
Again this is advice that applies as much inward as it does out. Honestly, it takes just seconds to ask for a little clarification and that has had so many positive effects in my kink explorations:
- I’m more able to be present in the moment because I’m not worried about what if
- I’m lowering my chances of violating someone’s consent
- I understand my tasks better and can complete them to my Dominant’s liking improving my service to them.
- I’m cutting with the correct amount of depth when using a scalpel (that bevel was hard to see in conference room lighting!)
- I can relax into my relationships and be much more secure in where I stand
Really, the list could go on and on, and they’re all really valuable examples. The practice of asking for clarification has saved me from making a lot of missteps in kink – some tiny, some huge. I wish it hadn’t taken me until year 5 or 6 to start doing this – negotiating my first play experiences would have gone a lot better!