Q: I’m newish to kink; long enough to know where I want to start exploring. Not long enough that I’d consider myself experienced – or even knowledgeable. I want to play more; I’d like to find at least one person to have some kinda of relationship with so we can explore deeper too. But I’m not sure what I bring to the table here as bottom….. is it enough to just be me? Can I do more?
A – Yes and Yes! I like being able to say yes so much that I wanted to get that out straight away.
Just like regular world dating, finding play partners / lovers / Dominants / Trainers / Sirs / Ma’ams / boys / bois / aw hell – our opposites, can be super nerve wracking, or frustrating, or perhaps for the most zen of us, a healthy exercise in patience. And nothing I’m going to say below is going to make that magically change.
See sometimes kink is just like everything else. Finding a good fitting relationship takes numbers, time, belief in our self worth, and understanding of our desires, ability to communicate, and having something the other person wants.
So, what is that thing other people want? (Un)Fortunately there is no universal answer here – and while I feel you on how much that sucks it’s actually a blessing because it gives more people more chances. For some people it’s going to be a physical quality; for others it’s making them laugh, other’s seek someone who makes them feel powerful, or cared for, or evokes some other emotional quality within the seeker that will keep them coming back for more.
What can you do to give yourself the best chance?
Be where the perverts are: munches, parties, festivals, CAMP. Yes I know it can suck to go alone, and taking nights off for self care is important, but you need to meet people. Online is only a good option for those who can’t get places to meet people.
Be reliable: keep your word, and your dates.
Be useful: learn a skill (bootblacking, massage, pain processing techniques, cooking)
Be communicative: sometimes learning the balance between asking for what you want/making helpful suggestions and being a ‘do-me’ bottom can feel like it’s really thin…. but trust me if someone is asking What do you want to do it’s not to hear you say whatever you want to do. The caveat being, of course, unless they’ve tell you that’s what they want to hear in negotiations 😉
This next part… well I have feelings. Because you know what? You don’t owe anyone attractiveness. Really. You. do. not. But it would be stupid of me to say being attractive doesn’t hurt. Please keep in mind “attractive” is more than physical qualities. Self confidence, humour, being well read/up on current affairs, having THE BEST World of Warcraft character – attractive is a subjective word. But none of these things will hurt you while you go searching for a partner:
- practice good hygiene (shower as necessary, brush teeth, launder your clothing).
- dress with intent; wear clothing that you feel confident and attractive in.
- Think about different ways to be attractive; which ones are easily accessible to you? Which ones are less, which avenues do you actually want to go down?
Think of yourself like a game character; you get to pick and choose which attributes you want to rate high in; each skill has it’s own advantages and disadvantages and if you’re willing to keep working, you can keep building different skills. Sometimes we level up in skills because we know it’ll help us play the game – but just creating a character just to win takes some of the fun out of creating unique characters, doesn’t it? Create the character you want, and that you’ll have fun with.