Q&A Telling a Lover You’re Kinky

I’m curious about kink but I don’t know where to start. I know about FetLife – but that’s all a little too much right now. I’m seeing someone new and…. should I tell him? I don’t want him to think I’m that girl.

Before we even get into the meat of your question I want you to take a second to think about the language you used. That girl? What assumptions and bias’ are you bringing with that? Who is that girl – and what does she deserve? I hope it’s the same respect, compassion and consideration as any other human on this planet.

Or maybe I just took a wrong turn on that one and by that girl you actually meant hardcore kinkster? Context can be confusing, yo. I’ll get into that scenario below 😉

When do you tell someone you’re kinky?

My general rule is the more important kink is to your life, the sooner the tell. That way you lessen your chance of getting emotionally invested in someone who can’t, or isn’t interested in fulfilling a big part of your sexuality. It’s a pretty big deal in my life, so I use words like hedonist, & bottom right on my dating profiles to flag to people who know what those words mean.

If you aren’t planning on doing it up front, I would do it when you feel safe to revel. Being kinky doesn’t make you an easy lay, or “slutty”; and it certainly doesn’t make you any less deserving of respect. Unfortunately, life isn’t always a safe place and if you think this disclosure will put you at risk, don’t disclose and strongly consider if you want to continue this relationship.

If those two spots didn’t give you an idea of when to tell…. do it when you want it. If your kink is simple (easy to pull off, doesn’t require a lot of negotiation, knowledge, or props) just toss it out as a fun thing to try; while getting with the foreplay, mention you really like having your hair held tightly at the base of your head, or that you really enjoy being on top and holding your lover down, or you’ll melt with lust if your lover spits in your mouth during oral to help give a juicier blow job (or on you during cunnilingus) – and how would he feel about that?

Light bondage, food play, spit, light power games (domination/submission), dirty talk (great way to work in degradation, erotic embarrassment, or humiliation if you want), dress up, basic role play (teacher / student, cop / pulled over for speeding ticket) – all of those things I’d put into the simple category.

If your kinks require more negotiation, more knowledge, more processing feelings, more props, etc, you’ll need to make a bit of space for that conversation. Maybe because you’ll need to take a class before they can tie you up without causing nerve damage.  Maybe summoning your inner monsters to play can take a lot of emotional prep.  Maybe because you have to tarp the apartment before you have a pie fight/wrestling match.   Pro-tip: consensual non-consent / “rape” fantasy role play? They’re in this category.

Splosh!

Tips for sharing your kinks:

  • Don’t start with we have to talk….. – Even when what comes next is not even remotely a big deal, it’s how people open up negative conversations. Try I’ve got something to share with you; or Hey, can I tell you something?
  • Do share the fact that you’ve got some emotions around this and ask for what you need. ie) I’m a little embarrassed about this, so please try not to laugh; or, I struggle with shame around this… so once I tell you can you please verbally reassure me that I”m not a terrible person?
  • If you just can’t bring yourself to say it to their face; have them sit in front of you and say it right into their ear – or have your partner blindfold you and tell them then – do get as creative as you need to with your delivery.
  • Euphemisms get confusing; do try to speak as plainly as possible.
  • Do let them know what level of kinkiness you bring to the table; is it a bedroom only activity? Are you interested in exploring a more daily structured power exchange relationship? To you like to play with a lot of sensation, or just a bit? Is this an all the time thing or a once in a while thing?
  • Do invite your partner to share their kinks and fantasies too – this can be a really fantastic jumping off point for negotiations.
  • Don’t demand any answers right away; give them time to think, ask questions, and think some more. If you need someone to talk with you during this time turn to your friends – you’ve already given your lover lots to think about.

It’ll probably go better than you think, because most of the time our partner’s want us to be having fun in bed, really, it comes with the whole liking us thing 😉

Have fun!

Got a question you want answered?  Feel free to ask in the comment below, or use this form to keep it anon.

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