S is for Scared

You need an opposite.  That’s how these things work… right?

Submissives match with Dominants.

Masochists match with Sadists.

But Sadists?  They’re really freaking scary.  How much do you trust the person who is unlocking the darkest parts of themselves to play with you?  How much can they trust themselves?

Is it odd that, even while I’ve accepted who I am, and how many facets there are to my sexuality, I’m still uncomfortable with them?  The kind of uncomfortable I feel around unfamiliar animals – not an outright, constant unease, but you never really know how an unfamiliar animal will react.  I wonder if skydivers ever feel fully comfortable – if their trust in their chute is so strong that they can jump without that moment of panic, that moment of what if.

Because you can’t plan for the what if.  You can practice R.A.C.K*, you can follow P.R.I.C.K**.  You can accept that accidents happen.  But we all talk about physical accidents.  Where is the discussion about the emotional accidents?  The broken souls and twisted psyches, sprained spirits….  We lose amazing people this way.  Assigning fault doesn’t heal hurt, it merely transfers guilt.

You say what we do is all about trust – I say what we do is all about faith.

Maybe masochists match better with service tops; and sadists with submissives?

Or maybe i’m just still playing in shallow waters?

I know I’m playing the comparison game right now – but not with an eye for competition or worth, I just want to figure out how to better find my match.  Better find people who easily compliment my play style and level of intensity.  Better protect myself from falling of the edge of a cliff.  Make no mistake; violence, taboo, shame – these things call to me, but I do love myself.  I’m not some poor lost soul desperately trying to find meaning by letting someone destroy me.  I’m a soul who got bent this way and figuring out do this life in the best*** way possible.

Thinky Thinky Think….

Inspired by:

*Risk Aware Consenual Kink
**Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink
***Best meaning resulting in people feeling happy, respected/cared for as humans, with as little physical, emotional, and mental injury as possible.

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One thought on “S is for Scared

  1. Silver says:

    Very thinky indeed Miss.HC – Thanks for linking to the Janet Hardy article as well. I had read Greydancer’s but not Janet’s. I do think you are right about “emotional accidents. They happen more often than people like to admit. Even experienced players in the scene who have no intention of hurting or harming thier partner’s sometimes accidently touch off a trigger point. I know I’ve done it as a Dominant and I’ve felt badly and well as an inordinate amount of guilt in doing so, but I’ve also been willing to accept and put the emotional energy back into working things out, whether that means hours/weeks/months of conversation, holding and snuggling and whatever other comforts I can offer.
    I know that when I agree to play with someone, I’m making a decision about whether I AM willing to be there and can be there in that capacity for that person should this arise. I also try my best not to assume what thier needs are but ask – what can I do? What are your needs? How can we resolve this?
    As a sub, I’ve also found myself in situations that I *thought* I’d be perfectly okay with. At times I need very little aftercare, but you know, sometimes I’ve found myself needing a TON of reassurance, and sometimes it’s not even a huge deep scene. It wasn’t necessarily painful or masochistic. More often than not a person’s words while they Dom me that have a LOT of power and can send me into an emotional tailspin. That isn’t a bad thing either, sometimes an emotional tailspin is positive, I’m raw, I’m emotional… I’ve really GONE there with that person… but dammit… I need to know that they will be there to help me pick up the pieces afterwards and get me back to planet earth and not feel like crap, or not be a crying emotional mess. I do have to function in the REAL world again.
    Your point on “trust vs. faith” is an interesting one as well…. I wonder if it’s a bit of a semantical debate because the words are pretty close in definition. Your post made me actually go look up the words to see how they are defined in the dictionary. Not trying to be a word Nazi or anyting but…. here is what dictionary.com said: (I’ll only posted the first references that are relevant)

    trust
    noun
    1.
    reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
    2.
    confident expectation of something; hope.

    faith
    noun
    1.
    confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another’s ability.
    2.
    belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
    3.
    belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.
    4.
    belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.

    Indeed they are quite similar, in fact I would argue that the very first definitions for both words are almost inherantly the same thing. However, I get what you mean when you say “trust vs. faith.” Perhaps you need to have both. You need to both trust the person whom you are with, that is be able to rely on thier integrity and ability but also have faith and confidence that they will follow through with the necessary actions should a “what if” situation occur.
    I think your point about faith is well taken also because with BDSM and play, because often we’re all about exploration, pushing boundaries, and trying new things. We bdsmer’s are experimental like that! Unless you are doing the same thing… with the same partner.. again and again… I refer to the faith definition #2, namely that it’s a belief not based on proof. We can negotiate as much as we want. We have safewords in place. You always can try to set up the best safety “infrastructure” to make sure those “what if” moments don’t happen, but…. they do, physically and emotionally. You are always taking that leap of “faith” when you play with a new partner., when you are trying something new in the scene, when you are pushing limits or going into that uncharted territory. So… “faith”….. just might be part of the equation… on both sides… I don’t think it’s limited to the s-types either. I think the D types take that same risk too!
    Thanks for posting…
    *hugs*
    ~S

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