When Someone you Like is Kinky

Did your new boyfriend just tell you he likes it when women dominate him?  Did the gurl you’re seeing just ask to worship your feet?  Has your partner confessed a rape fantasy to you, or shared that seeing you cry last week got them hot and bothered?  Does your fwb like it when you both wear fishnet stocks and silk panties?

Congratulations – you’re with a pervert!  Which actually sounds like a much bigger thing then it really is.  Heaps of people out there already know their kinky and with BDSM seeing increased media coverage, the amount of people exploring their dark side is only likely to increase.

Don’t fret through; I’ve got some tips for you.

 

1)      Relax.

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.  Really.  Consensual relationships are the base that make kink not abuse.  If things are not consensual then things are not okay and you need to get out.

We kinksters have a saying YKINMKBTO – Your Kink is Not My Kink But That’s Okay; we are not expected to share all the same kinks your partner may have.  Talk with your partner about active consent and be clear with your boundaries/comfort levels.  Let them show you that your no will be respected so you can feel safe giving your yes.  This goes for both sides of the spanking bench.  The giver has as much right to say no as the reciever does.  Consensual kink is a two way street.

 

2)      Variety is still the spice of life.

Rough, aggressive sessions can be fun.  Erotic humiliation can be fun.  Tease and denial can be fun.  Chastity can be fun.  But the same thing, all of the time, in each setting?  Rarely fun.  Even if your partner likes you to bit their lips during a hot and heavy make out session, you don’t have to do that every single time you kiss them.

One of the things that attracts people to kink is that is gives them a wider sexual repertoire – use that to your advantage!  Talk to you partner about multiple fantasies, desires, and interests; don’t just stick to the first thing they tell you.

 

3)       Dominant does not mean domineering.  Submissive does not mean doormat

The terms Dominant and submissive refer to an agreed upon power exchange.  You do not need to be overly aggressive to show dominance (unless that’s what you and your partner have agreed upon),  you do not have to shut someone up when they try to speak (unless that’s what you and your partner have agreed upon), you do not need to be rude, insulting, or argumentative (unless that’s what — you see where I’m going with this right?).  To dominate someone is to assert control and power over someone; and there are many ways to do that; question the assumptions you’re bringing to the table – fear can be one way to rule; but creating loyal subjects is another.  Talk to you partner, see what emotions they’re looking to feel and what triggers those emotions in them.

Conversely, being submissive means…well, you submit.  You may do it joyfully, or it may be acquiescence, but that’s really their role in things.  Submission, however,  does not mean never having to make a decision, having no opinions on any subject, or having no pride in oneself (unless, of course, that’s what you and your partner have agreed to).  Again, talk to you partner, find out what emotions makes them feel dominant and how you can bring out those emotions in them.

 

4)       How someone likes to fuck tells you less than you might think about them

Kinksters share exactly one thing in common:  we have kinks.  As for our personalities, worldviews, socioeconomic backgrounds, hobbies and interests?  That’s just as varied as in the larger mix of society.

Don’t assume that because your partner likes to top in bdsm activities they want to be in control all the time.  Don’t assume that because your partner likes to submit sexually that they’re interested in being told what to do at any other time.    And, while we’re on the subject?  Please don’t assume all sexual sadists are interested in control or that sexual masochists are automatically interested in giving up power.

I wish I could tell you there was a hard and fast way to break it down, but identities are intersectional (not to mention often shifting) so talk to your partner.  What’s their relationship with pain?  What’s their relationship with control?  Is it activity or partner(s) dependant?  What do they get from kink?

 

5)      This is a great time for you to explore your fantasies too

Why not?  You already know your partner is kinky, which means they get how hard it is to share this stuff, the important of keeping confidences, and can be very open minded*.  At the very least you know you’re with someone who understand that sexual appetites can and do vary from the mainstream which automatically ups the chances that they’ll be receptive any kinks you want to explore as well.

 

*I say can be because pro-kink and kink positive are not the same thing; and while someone can be down with their kinks, they may not be in a place where they’re as receptive to yours. If you run up against this remind them – YKINMKBTO – and that you deserve sexual exploration too.

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One thought on “When Someone you Like is Kinky

  1. Isaac says:

    Expanding on #3 (which touches on a pet peeve of mine), there is no “right” or “wrong” way to be dominant/submissive. If you ever find yourself thinking, “I should do
    XYZ because that is what a good Dom/sub does” then stop and reexamine your assumptions. There is no “good” or “bad” way to do it. If someone ever tells you that you are not a good Dom/sub because you act or don’t act a certain way, call them on their bullshit. If you are ever wondering if you are a good Dom/sub, ask yourself if you are doing what makes you happy. Someone else may want *their* Dom/sub to act a certain way. If that is what works for them, that is great … for them. If that works for you, too, then you may be compatible. If that is not how you do things, then this person may not be the person for you; someone else out there *does* like things done the way you do them and that is who you should be looking for – someone that is compatible for you, not someone for whom you can jam yourself into a role.

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