So you Want to be a Kink Advocate Part 2: Living the Change you Want to see.

Personally, I think the mainstream growing coverage of kink, bdsm, non-monogamy, and various alternative sexual models is overall positive thing.  It opens the door and starts a conversation.  But if we want to really make something of this, we need to continue that conversation.  So now, not only is there a need for advocacy among the mainstream; but there is a growing need for advocacy within our communities as more and more new people join in.

People that come to kink via 50 Shades of Grey have been presented one model.  People who come to non-monogamy / polyamory  via Dan Savage, Dossie Easton, Janet Hardy or  Tristan Taormino  have been presented one model.  And I have yet to see normativity  be a good thing.  So it’s up to us, those of us here, doing our thing and  living our lives to show them just how many possibilities of kinks, power exchange styles, and relationship models are out there.  It’s like we live rule 34.

FetLife menu’s notwithstanding, how long did it take you to realize there were more role options than Dom and sub?  How long did it take you to figure out top and Dom weren’t the same thing?  How long did it take you to realize polyamory could be more than a couple seeking a unicorn?  How long until you recognized that some of us were only here to fuck; some of us were here to do everything but fuck – and most people always fall along a middle spectrum.

Change happens slowly when people discover new ways slowly – help them move faster and change will happen faster.

My beautiful perverts, what I’m asking you to do is share yourselves – every part of yourselves – with your community.

Take a moment to think about what your public actions say about you; do they reflect your values?  Do they reflect your identities; do they reflect the multitude of options out there?  I’m not saying be anything but true to yourself; but if you’re into splooshing; why not list it on your fetish’s list?  If you don’t believe in hierarchical relationships; state that in your profile.  If your favourite method of sex doesn’t include inserting a phallus/phallic object into a vagina; write a note extolling its virtues (side note feel free to ask me *anytime* about the glory of digital manipulation y’all).

Advocacy looks like more than picketing and arguing with strangers on the internet.

My loving spree of FetLife pictures showing sexy men owning their fine selves in lingerie?  Not just me getting my perv on, it’s advocacy y’all.  It’s showing people alternatives to the paradigms they’ve previously presented; You can wear frills and not be humiliated because there is nothing inherently humiliating about femininity – even if you’re a cis-male.  Sissification is one side of dressing up in women’s clothes; messing around with gender roles is another, and because silk feels damn good on the skin is yet another.  All are valid.  Show some love to racialized bodies, and trans* bodies and disabled bodies.  Comment on and spread writings of voices that don’t get a lot of time in the spot light.  Be an ally by not sticking in our own opinion, but by signal boosting someone else’s.

We can’t always control what the mainstream is going to pick up on, and we can’t always be a public face for everything we want to, but we can push progress in our communities by letting people know just how many ways there are to do.

And that, I believe, is something.


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