It’s kinda funny.
You go to spend a weekend talking about sex and sexuality, but what do you actually talk about? Well if you came to hear me speak, (I hope) you heard:
- How communication makes for better partnerships.
- How an understanding of personal desire makes for hotter, more satisfying sex lives.
Why then, do so many of us leave cons playing the comparison game? Wondering if our sex drive is lower than others, or thinking we’ve failed because emotional monogamy works for us; or because we don’t really want to stick things up our butt?
Because we’re human beings who are steeped in our personal history. There is much unlearning to do before you can get to ground zero. See, before you found this place you’d have spent years listening to messages produced by a consumption based society that tell you your life is made better by having what others have.
Not only do we get sold a picture of desire (and not just related to sex, but wealth, hobbies, style, who and what type of person is valuable and more), we get the constant message that we’re not enough simply in and of ourselves.
And that is really hard to shake – because even when we can create affirming alternative spaces for periods of time, we can’t stay there forever – and most of us weren’t born into them.
So if I could give you one more nugget of goodness (yanno, beyond my random food and confused sports metaphors) it would be to give yourself permission to be where you’re at right now. Have the sex you want to right now – even if that’s by yourself, without genital penetration, or not at all. Dream up the relationships you want to have right now – be they intimate or not, monogamous or not; with other people or not (singlehood shout out!)
If you don’t know what you want consider backing off other people and spend some time getting to know yourself – and give yourself permission to take that time!
I’m giving myself one more nugget too: extend just a little more trust in the realness and honesty of those around me.
It feels scary confessing that – that after all this work and all my talking on communication and honesty I still have trouble putting my faith in the honest of others. But hey, it’s where I’m at. So I’m going to recognize that for what it is. Me running up against the relationship-interaction scripts I grew up with around how we need to manage other people because ….. Because what? They can’t handle the truth? They’ll actively or passively lie to please me – and then it’ll blow up and be my fault? That people have such a high sense of social niceties that they would rather spend time with me out of a sense of obligation than reject me?
Yeah. Ridiculous right? Also; its lonely, disconnected thinking, and that it not something I need more of in my life.
If somehow I’ve managed to carve out some authenticity, surely other people out there can do the same.
So yeah. You go get busy doing you. Me? I’ll be over here working on my faith.
Doesn’t fit so well into the post, but relevant, you can find out more about Playground, and keep up with the details for 2013 here