I didn’t start off to learn about myself through BDSM. Sacred, spiritual, energy – these were not words that existed in my kink vocabulary. Even ritual seemed more about repeated the same steps than about connection. Small wonder I’ve never been much of a ritual girl when it comes to power exchange. Without being able to connect to the symbolism they always rang hollow.
I don’t think I could pin point where I started down this particular rabbit hole. Maybe it happened the first time I found the quiet? Maybe when I first heard Master Skip talk about how knowing our own archtypes as well as our partner’s in help strengthen our relationships, or when I saw Cleo Du Bois walk someone through channeling a particular archtype to delve deeper and harder into their scene – watching her push, watching him struggle: boy, prince, knight, princess, and forward to warrior at her command. Maybe it was the first time I talked to someone who had been through a hook pull; or being there for a friend as she pushed herself through her limits during a hook suspension. Maybe those things planted a seed that sat dormant until the fire and fists that beat my chest in time to the drums awakened them. Maybe those things planted a seed that sat dormant until I knew how to properly nurture it; how to grow it and cultivate it.
What prompted me to explore this side of kink was a chance encounter with a man who was supposed to be a one night stand. In a mess of overstimulation I pleaded with him to help me process by providing to hard sensations and pain along with his soft touch. As soon as I was able to communicate that the degree to which I was being stimulated was overwhelming and causing panic, he drew his hands along my torso and it was gone… dissipated. Cue my introduction to energetically aware sexuality. Cue also some mad-ass-geeking out, but that’s a tale better told in person 😉
This play is few and far between right now; 4 times in 2 years; 3 chance encounters and one of as a purposefully constructed ordeal – which I didn’t even have right anyways. I went in seeking to find the edges of my endurance, to see how much I could block out everything but my will to continue. I walked away learning that my ability to sit in vulnerability is a ……what?!….. and connecting to things feeds that power. I trust more in the journey because of this ordeal and for that I am both humbled and grateful.
Humbled, and grateful these are actually great words to summarize how this play affects me. These scenes – this style of play- teaches me things that don’t seem to click in any other way. Because when I find myself in these scenes I recognize that I am closer to the Divine; sometimes even a part of the Divine and the things you hear when you’re up there? They resonate in a way that nothing down here seems to.
And maybe that’s why I can’t seem to plan this out the way I can with other play because when we go on a spiritual quest seeking knowledge we don’t get to plan the route, we need to trust that the route will unfold as we walk?
I still don’t believe that exploring these parts replaces the work and progress you can make with a therapist, counsellor, or even a life coach. Having people to help you through life is important for two reasons. First because there is a lot of stuff you need to deal with as an adult that no one prepares you for growing up be it dealing with social anxiety, trying to heal from an imperfect past, or getting in back touch with the you that existed before society’s ideals got its hooks into you. And second, because when we go off splunking in our souls, lots of stuff can come up. Often stuff that we aren’t equipped to deal with by ourselves (that whole live giving you the map after you’ve taken the trip right?). But I gotta say, even though I didn’t expect to be here – or there; it’s a truly amazing place and I want to know more.