The Ways I Play: Part 2 – Seeking Quiet

If you don’t already know what I mean by quiet, I’m certain I can explain it.  I’ll try, but if the message gets lost, I’m sorry.  Not all things are translatable to words; at least for me….yet.

Maybe stillness is a better word to describe the feeling?  Things slow down in this place.   They don’t stop, they’re just faded  – though not in a dull, colourless way, but a familiar worn-in way; like how your favourite bath towel gets softer with washings.   Things slow down in this place, both in the moment and for a period after.

This is a place reached most easily by service.  The task at hand provides focus, provides a filter that all things must go through.  The quiet never lasts long here though.  Ironically, praise for service well rendered cuts my peace with embarrassment and ego.  I’d much rather exist around you.  Underfoot, noted, but mostly ignored, a flow so smooth it can almost be taken for granted.

Dominance provides this feeling too, knowing I can lay both my head and my burden at your feet – like what I imagine a visit to a very dirty monastery must be like.  I trade power for peace.

Dominance invoked quiet last longer- even days at a time.  After we part I can still feel the affect you’ve had on me, I can remember the place there is for me with you.  Memories keep your strength with me, give me something to fall back on when I’m tired of being on, or hard, or sure about the next step.

Pain brings the quiet for the longest, but it’s also hardest (rarest?) way to achieve this still state.   Which is a bit odd to say as it feel so easy when it’s there….but how do I get there?  If I could tell you the formula I promise I would work it into every scene negotiation I ever did.  It seems to go somewhat like this:

A pinch of the right warm up
Liberal servings of the good pain
Mix with intermittent helpings of the bad pain
Sprinkle with laughter and tears to personal taste – personally, I like lots of each.
Knead thoroughly with good music
Align the stars
Drop the bass

Easy peasy, right?

The only other things I’m sure of is that canes, whips, and eye fucking all help with getting to this space, and  it’s brilliant there.  I feel lost in the music; adrift in sensations that at once register and don’t.  I can see the bloodlines of the cane stroke, but I feel, t it feels….ugh.  Everything starts to blend together in the most amazing way in this space – I literally do not know a metaphor, simile or analogy that could compare.

And that quiet, that stillness?  It lasts.  For weeks.  Perspective.  Stillness. It’s not that problems aren’t there; they are.  But the bad things are all muted; quieter, duller, things that belong in the urgent, not important category actually stay there instead of weighing heavily on my mind – ducks and water and all that.

If I couldn’t find this any other way I’d be worried about becoming an addict.

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