I’m Here! What Next?

When I was about  8  years old cooking turned away from I like stirring (accept for rice crispies and marshmallows – sore making!) and toward you need to learn this because you’re a girl.  My young feminist self was having none of this and promptly refused to learn anything further in the kitchen until my brother was taught.  After all, he was 18 months older than me and would be living alone 18 months before I would and needed to know how to cook for himself first.

And so, I never did learn to cook.

I could – I can – read a recipe and follow instructions.  I can make meals that taste good, and despite the fears of everyone around me I have yet to make myself bleed with a knife in years!    But I’ve yet to ‘get it’ you know?   ‘It’ being that thing where you learn to combine flavours, mix and match spices, to build yourself a balanced meal?

I remember when I first started wanting to learn how to cook.  Yes, it was for a lover.  I bought into the whole ‘the way to a person’s heart is through their stomach’ line of thinking,  but it turns out ‘the way into someone’s pants via  body language’ works a lot faster and netted me the same results in terms of what I was looking for.  Eventually though, I did realize I wanted to learn to cook for me.  Turns out, even as a single person, I too deserve good, tasty meals.   I want to be able to provide myself with balanced healthy options (yanno, sometimes).  I want to be able to look in the cupboard and be able to create something edible when shopping is not an option.  Plus, cooking for loved ones can also feed my service desires, and throwing dinner parties are fun!

So there I was.  A person with a desire.  And no idea where to go from there.  Sound familiar?   You discovered your desires for kink…. but now what?

For me my explorations into both cooking and kink have started with figuring out what I want.  Otherwise?  I find I’m either rushing into something with very little thought, or I never get around to doing anything at all, and find myself eating a very unsatisfactory quarter pounder when I really wanted to be knocked to the floor with a boot on my neck.

Wait… what?  Too much analogy here.  Let’s just stick to kink.

Truth is, there is no right way (beyond consensually) to explore kink.  *but* doing certain things will increase your odds of getting to participate in what you want.

So, what are you looking for?

For Friends:    Not ‘friends’ who you’re really trying to sleep with cosntantly, but actual legit friends?   Get thee to a munchery.  Munches are the quickest and easiest way to meet a bunch of people at once.  And while it may seem intimidating to meet a collection of strangers all at once think of it like an odds game.  The more people you meet, the more likely you are to find a group of people you click with, and a crew to attend events with.  To find a local munch just search City X +munch.  If you want a specific type of munch, add that in too  (ie  City X +munch +youth)

To Learn:  Visit your local sex positive store and check out their offerings.  Go to a LOT of workshops.  Both top and bottom focused on any topic that seems interesting and keep a critical eye.  Attend parties in observe mode – yes, you can go to a play party and not play.  No one will think less of you.

When you’re out at various events, start talking to people.  Let them know you’re new and while you’re not sure about active participation just yet, you’re very interested topics x, y, and z.  You’ll be amazed at how open and helpful people in the scene can be.

But Remember:  there are no accredited school of BDSM so take everything in with some scepticism, and keep in mind who and where this information is coming from.

A note on distance:  If you can’t get into these places physically, check out Kink Academy (BDSM/Power Exchange focus) or Passionate U (broader base erotic education) are great starting places as well as the Fetlife Forms.    Again – treat all the information you receive with a critical eye.  That’s really just good life practice.

For a Relationship:  Once you figure out what kind of relationship you want (mono, poly, D/s, Top/Bottom – switch?  Just in the bedroom – or in other rooms too?)  We’re back to the numbers game here.  You’re going to have to meet people until you find someone( or some people) you click wth).  Check out websites like alt.com, collarme.com and even OKCupid  – technically not kinky, but filled with delightful perverts, and poly folk (but I in no way trust their matching algorithm).

Create a profile that paints you in an honest, yet positive light, and be clear about what you’re looking for.  For tips on how not to be a jerkface while looking for relationships of sites like Fetlife, check out what Cunning Minx has put together for you:  How not to be a douche on FetLife .


For NSA/hook ups/dirty, kinky, raunchy, sex:  Even more pounding the cyber payment.  Check out sites like adult friend finder, craig’s list, see if you’re able to pay a visit to your local swingers club, read up on safer sexual practices and prepare your Safer Sex Elevator Speech because that’s a conversation you’ll want to be having a lot of.

The harsh reality is that it’s really hard to do it all at once.  It’s really hard to create friendships and build comradery with people when you’re constantly trying to have sex with them.  It’s hard to learn about a wide variety of kinks when you’re with a partner who only wants to explore certain things.  This is not to say that you can’t eventually do all the things – just that it’s difficult to do all the things all of the time.  Your odds of enjoying your kink explorations and meeting your goals are better if you focus on one or two things at a time.    Okay – I’ll let you in on a little secret.  When you start with one thing?  The other things will follow.

So got that?  Let’s sum it up one more time:

1) Remember:  there is time

2) Figure out what you want

3) Take the first step.

4) ……I think they call this step gaining experience….

5)  PROFIT (or wash, rinse, repeat, depending on how things play out)

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