AKA: Shit Happens
While at TEASE this past weekend I found myself in a scene that got out of hand. Despite my attends to communicate my position to my partner, and my belief that we were on the same page, we were not. I ended up calling the scene (read picking up my shit and walking away) when I smacked up against an emotional sucker punch and I felt there was an attempt to manipulate me into continuing the scene.
Whose got two thumbs and doesn’t play that way? This girl. Welcome to a hard limit.
There’s a lot I’ll own in this. I didn’t trust this person to play at my level; yet I played anyway. I went back into playing with them when I could have taken an out… There’s stuff I won’t own as well, but as a new friend said to me after the scene; when you play like that (and let’s be honest, I like to play at my edges) shit will happen. It’s how you handle it that matters. I handled it, patch myself up the best I could, and got on with my weekend.
What’s sticking with me most though, and I mean other than that foot of hematoma down my right thigh, is my reluctance to safeword. Something about this person and the pull I felt to them made it feel really important not to safeword out – I know myself pretty well and safe wording out would have made left me with more emotional clean up to do then getting pushed to the very edges of my limits and having to pull myself back from the ledge.
I’m frustrated with myself for this. Previously that day I sat in front of a group of people saying there’s no shame in using a safe word. And while my brain knows this; all I could think of at the time was that safewording out was failing; it was not living up to my end of the goal of the scene.
Safewording at that time meant admitting that I was not up to playing in this person’s league. That I couldn’t play at the level they wanted to. It tripped my insecurities around disappointing people, about not being good enough in and of myself, about needing something to hook people in…..
Maybe it’s because my play is so often outside the context of a standing relationship? There’s nothing to tie them to me other than what I can offer as a good time?
Maybe it’s my struggles around not being seen as a submissive person?
Maybe it’s because there’s still some levels on which is bothers me that I’m not a bigger masochist, or lacking in proper motivation to take pain.
A while later after my temper had cooled, I found myself talking to this person again. They confessed that they were trying to get my safeword out of me. Turns out, I did do exactly what was desired of me in that scene.
I’m disappointed in their choice not to tell me that before hand, because now we won’t be playing together again, and until things went fully off the rails there was a whole bunch of hotness.
As per usual I’m moving forward with a few lessons, no answers, and a lot of questions; like will ever come a time in my explorations that I’ll be able to safeword out with any partner without feeling like I’m failed?
1am was probably the wrong time to open this box….
In interesting things on the web right now; Mollena just had a scene in which she played to safeword on purpose; and then was brave enough to share her thoughts on it. You should check it out.