On Faith and Frank Sinatra.

You gotta love livin’ baby, ’cause dyin’ is a pain in the ass. – Frank Sinatra

Being single (and that from that what you will) person in the BDSM/Kink scene it can get a bit disheartening – especially in a scene that seems highly couple focused.   No one owes us play, so sometimes we go without.  No one owes us companionship so sometimes we go without.  Ultimately depend on ourselves, and sometimes that well looks pretty dry.  Now, the flip to that is that we don’t owe anyone anything either, which can be extremely liberating at times…but that’s not what this post is about.

Sometimes, looking for play partners, lovers, or even relationships flat out sucks.  Finding someone in this crazy world to connect with is hard enough on a level playing field, and once you throw in the D/s, S/M and specialized kinks?  Well… it’s a lot of bumps.  Not to mention sorting through the wankers, the cheaters, and the people who simply cannot be honest with themselves about what they can and can’t offer.

So how do you keep the faith when it feels like you’ve tried everything?  When you’ve done the  dating, you’ve tried different styles of  relationships, you’ve honest-to-fucking-chirst  put yourself out there and you’re still not getting what you want?

Pick yourself up. Put on your favourite tunes, break out the clothing you feel sexiest in, indulge with a glass of fantastic wine, rant to a close friend – hell, throw a private tantrum!  Find whatever it is that refreshes your spirit.  What’s doing it for me tonight?  Modest Mouse.

Dust yourself off. Examine what you’re doing.  Are you being honest with what you want?  Are you being as forthwright as possible what you want?  Are you repeating the same patterns and expecting new results – cuz I’m pretty sure someone once called that insanity.

Get back in the race. Try a new munch, try a new website (okcupid has a whack of kinky, poly, geeky users – and fun quizes!), tell your friends what you’re looking for.  And try again.  And again, and again, and again.

Sorry, there’s no easy answer.  But really, what’s the other option?

One thought on “On Faith and Frank Sinatra.

  1. Serenity9 says:

    I’ve always attended parties without a partner for the most part. Contrary to be lonely it was rather enjoyable at first because I treated them as social gatherings to chat and make friends. When I started out I never got any play at all and it never really bothered me. By laying the groundwork of good friends early nowadays I can attend any play event in the local community and always have friends and people I can play with.

    But I’m working from a male perspective in a rather heteronormative setting. I’ve found that women have far more opportunities partner wise so they have to be much more selective of their partner especially in a BDSM setting where there are more concerns about emotional and physical safety. Unattached males that are skilled tops are very rare and the number of sincere guys that are willing to put the work into learning to be good tops are rare as well. Time restraints and the lack of a partner make it hard for some guys to ever gain the experience they desire when starting out as well.

    It’s a classic scenario I see in dating let alone BDSM. Women get bombarded with choices and requests making it hard to find the right partner. Quality men just get lost in the shuffle. Ask any guy in the community how many women have contacted them out of the blue on fetlife looking for play or possible relationship and compared to any women being contacted by men. It’s very much disproportional and that’s why I don’t do the online dating thing anymore.

    That’s why I’ll always encourage people to get out of the house and go meet people in person.

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