I hate that saying. It’s innately unfair…and yet it’s a truism. No matter how badly I, how badly anyone , wants something to go a certain way, you can’t always force it. Sometimes you plan and it goes awry; sometimes you get handed (or pelted with) lemons. So make lemonade they say – which is all well and good; but where do you find the sugar and water?
This topic has been on my mind for a while now; ToroGRUE gave words to the emotions I was feeling, but the event that got the ball rolling happened a few months before that.
You see my friend had a fantasy. A hot fantasy involving spilt blood and cool tiles. Being the awesome, giving people that we are, a group of us sought to make this happen. Unfortunately, when the time arrived, life intervened and proceedings were halted midway through. Which left my friend with a bag of blood on ice, and the disappointment of a wish unfulfilled. Sure, a similar moment could be recreated; but it wouldn’t been the same – which may not sound like a big deal on paper, but compare it to a well loved, much scribbed in book. If something happens to it, you can replace the book, but it isn’t the same. A couple weeks later she mentioned to a girlfriend and I that she was thinking of throwing the blood out to start over from scratch.
Hell no! We cried. You went through a lot to get that. You can’t just let the dream go because the first attempt was a misfire. Reclaim that bitch!
We may not have convinced her that night; but in the end she did and the results was a ridonkulously hot photo shoot she can treasure for years.
A similar thing happened to recently to me. I had future plans…and I watched someone else do them. And yes, it hurt. And yes, I cried about it then, and it still hurts. And the worst part is what I do to myself in the aftermath. You see, I can’t attempt to recreate that moment without attaching pity it. It’s ruined for me now. The act, with that person is ruined.
Since then I’ve been trying to dream up a scenario where it won’t feel like pity.
The conclusion I came to is that I need to learn as much about this skill as I can by myself, so that when I learn it, it will be because I learnt it. I put in the research, I practiced, and tested, reworked, and I practiced some more. It will be mine, and no one will be able to take it from me. Unfortunately, this also means having to turn down offers for help…. but my stubborn pride is another entry.
What I’m stumped on however, is how to reclaim emotional upsets. When someone disrespects you by touching you without permission; or a trusted friend proves to be not so trustworthy? See, the thing is, once something is out there in the world, you can’t undo it; you can’t cram words back into your mouth or retract the hand too far extended. It’s just there… shit has happened and you must find a way to look or move forward.
Personally, I’ve put the majority of my effort around emotional upsets into mindfully letting go. I recognize the feeling; and will myself to move on. Acknowledge, let go, and repeat… a lot. I’m not saying it’s the best method, but it’s the theory that’s been in use for the majority of my 20s.
Another theory I’ve recently come across suggest reframing perspectives, seeing challenges as educational tools to better prepare us for future emotional challenges… hyper optimistic; but is it realistic?
That I am curious to see.