On Shit, Lemons, and Finding Sugar.

Shit happens.

I hate that saying.  It’s innately unfair…and yet it’s a truism.  No matter how badly I, how badly anyone , wants something to go a certain way, you can’t always force it.  Sometimes you plan and it goes awry; sometimes you get handed (or pelted with) lemons.  So make lemonade they say – which is all well and good; but where do you find the sugar and water?

This topic has been on my mind for a while now; ToroGRUE gave words to the emotions I was feeling, but the event that got the ball rolling happened a few months before that.

You see my friend had a fantasy.  A hot fantasy involving spilt blood and cool tiles.  Being the awesome, giving people that we are, a group of us sought to make this happen.  Unfortunately, when the time arrived, life intervened and proceedings were halted midway through.  Which left my friend with a bag of blood on ice, and the disappointment of a wish unfulfilled.   Sure, a similar moment could be recreated; but it wouldn’t been the same – which may not sound like a big deal on paper, but compare it to a well loved, much scribbed in book.  If something happens to it, you can replace the book, but it isn’t the same.  A couple weeks later she mentioned to  a girlfriend and I that she was thinking of throwing the blood out to start over from scratch.

Hell no! We cried.  You went through a lot to get that.  You can’t just let the dream go because the first attempt was a misfire.  Reclaim that bitch!

We may not have convinced her that night; but in the end she did and the results was a ridonkulously hot photo shoot she can treasure for years.

A similar thing happened to recently to me.  I had future plans…and I watched someone else do them.    And yes, it hurt.  And yes, I cried about it then, and it still hurts.  And the worst part is what I do to myself in the aftermath.   You see, I can’t attempt to recreate that moment without attaching pity it.  It’s ruined for me now.   The act, with that person is ruined.

Since then I’ve been trying to dream up a scenario where it won’t feel like pity.

The conclusion I came to is that I need to learn as much about this skill as I can by myself, so that when I learn it, it will be because I learnt it.  I put in the research, I practiced, and tested, reworked, and I practiced some more.  It will be mine, and no one will be able to take it from me.  Unfortunately, this also means having to turn down offers for help…. but my stubborn pride is another entry.

What I’m stumped on however, is how to reclaim emotional upsets.   When someone disrespects you by touching you without permission; or a trusted friend proves to be not so trustworthy?  See, the thing is, once something is out there in the world, you can’t undo it; you can’t cram words back into your mouth or retract the hand too far extended.  It’s just there… shit has happened and you must find a way to look or move forward.

Personally, I’ve put the majority of my effort around emotional upsets into mindfully letting go.  I recognize the feeling; and will myself to move on.  Acknowledge, let go, and repeat… a lot.  I’m not saying it’s the best method, but it’s the theory that’s been in use for the majority of my 20s.

Another theory I’ve recently come across suggest reframing perspectives, seeing challenges as educational tools to better prepare us for future emotional challenges… hyper optimistic; but is it realistic?

That I am curious to see.

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3 thoughts on “On Shit, Lemons, and Finding Sugar.

  1. darkforest says:

    “Another theory I’ve recently come across suggest reframing perspectives, seeing challenges as educational tools to better prepare us for future emotional challenges… hyper optimistic; but is it realistic?”

    Perspective is where its at! Realistic sure, difficult? fuck yeah. Does it suck sometimes? sure. But when you change the context of an event by rotating into a different perspective, all of the sudden it opens windows of opportunity.

    That doesn’t mean its always going to work. The reality of some situations is they just suck. So the only thing you can do, is eat the shit sandwich as fast as possible, and try to find something to wash the aftertaste away.

    But for the ones you can shift your POV, hey great! leaves more braining free for the really crummy ones.

    xoxo

  2. GunStGirl says:

    On polishing things.

    It’s easy to spout platitudes. I can go on about “it was probably for the best” and such, but honestly?
    When things like this happen, when trust is broken -and it’s broken in a way that I can’t overlook or forgive it as my reaction to an oversight.

    Initially, I withdraw. I examine myself, and check my reaction. Was it “appropriate” for what took place? Was it a faux-pas on my part, perceived or otherwise?
    This generally stops me from acting out my initial reaction, no matter how provoked.

    My first reaction is usually overblown, and often inappropriate, no matter how good it would make me feel at the time.

    I examine within myself further.
    Is this something that I can live with, currently?
    Things have a way of repeating, especially with deep set behavior. Manners can be learned, true, but if something is innate to the person.. Like randomly touching people without asking permission first, say…
    That’s something that’s going to not only have to be unlearned, but something that’s going to have to be fought against. Many don’t have the discipline or want to make the effort to do so-even if they did find fault with their own behavior.

    If it’s not something I can live with, then I check again. Can I change the nature of the relationship, so it’s something I can live with, in less intimate closeness?
    For me, the answer is often no. But then, I’m old, and I’m set in my ways. *grins*

    That switch, once flipped is fused. Trust is vital to my continuing relationship with a person.
    Reclaiming things can be vitally uplifting. Currently, I’m reclaiming my left leg, but it took me a very long time to figure out how to do so, and research whether what I wanted was possible. 15 years. Long time.

    You will never be able to live that moment with the intended person-as it was initially intended- and while a “lesser” re-enactment with someone else would likely feel like a farce, I wholly applaud the wanting to research. Go a step further.
    Recreate it. Make it more grandiose, until it outshines the former fantasy, and strips it of it’s power.

    ..and about people. My Da always told me that you can’t polish a turd.

  3. Zed says:

    I’ve never been any good at letting things go, myself.

    I do think that it’s okay to brood for a bit, to ponder and understand what actually happened. The trick is getting past that point… going from “Damn I/they/this screwed up” to “How do I make things better”.

    It helps to have some outside perspective sometimes, too – it can be really hard to slap oneself upside the head with any conviction.

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