That which yields, is not always weak.
— Jacqueline Carey
Have you ever experienced this? There is no reason why there should be tension…but there is. Suddenly it’s not a conversation – it’s a power struggle. If you know what you to look for, you can actually watch the breakdown in conversation as each side stubbornly sticks to their point. They simply stop listening to each other; waiting for their chance to talk again.
When I’m faced with this problem I go two ways. If it’s just me and someone else, I’ll change the topic, or change the person I’m talking to. I can recognize what’s going on, and non-constructive arguing? Not my kink.
If I’m facilitating a group discussion it’s a different matter. Suddenly it is my job to bring the discussion back to a place where it can continue to move forward. Sometimes that does mean shutting people down – and that’s okay. Sometimes it’s about supporting the group dynamic/purpose over the individual.
The unfortunate side effect of BDSM discussions is that some poeple can’t leave the power out of it. Often, these people all amongst those who claim they are lifestyle or live their Dominance 24-7. They are Dominant and you will listen (and yes, this is why Dominants can’t play cards).
I call bullshit.
One is only a Dominant in the context of an agreed upon power exchange.
Now I’m not saying that if you aren’t in a power exchange relationship you cannot identify in whatever manner choose; but I am saying that if you are not in a power exchange dynamic you have no right to expect anyone respond in a certain manner to your self proclaimed label. Furthermore, you have no right to get your flogger in a knot over this.
You cannot force people to play into your fantasy unwillingly.
If you try; you’re an ass – and if you’ve ever been to my BDSM 102 class you’ll remember that rule #1 is, in fact, You have a responsibility not to be an ass.
Huge love to ToroGRUE to giving me time to write the above. If you’ve never been to a GRUE before, you really need to check it out. I was pretty sceptical going in about how well the unconference model would work in an atmosphere of such a diverse and at times uncompromising group of people. Would people be willing to talk about things that weren’t their thing or if x many tops could get past their need to constantly preserve their Dominance long enough to participate honestly in discussions. But it worked. There were over 20 “sessions” and endless more pockets of coversations over the course of the two days, and by and large there was very little cock measuring by any of the participants.
If you know me, you know in-depth discussions are my crack, so I was in heaven…. and I at once point I realized there was nothing going on that engaged me… so I stretch out on the floor and wrote. I had 30 mins with nothing to do but write….
Seriously people. Heaven.