Adults Earn It


It starts out simply enough.  You see someone, you feel an attraction, you date, you see what develops.  Sometimes it goes fantastic places; sometimes it stands on a hug and a new friend; sometimes it ends with someone trying to force their way into your pants.

And that last sometimes is why I’m not a big fan of dating in the kink scene.

The reality that I find over and over in the kink scene is that so many people are more interested in finding a one off hook up than a relationship.

Before I get too far into this allow me to make two things clear.  First, I understand my experiences are skewed due to the fact that I’m looking at other single kinksters.  Usually the ones that want to be in relationships already are. Second, I do not think there is anything bad about looking for random hook ups.  It’s my own personal belief that things in life are always better attached to relationships (and I consider a regular fuck buddy a type of relationship), but that’s how I roll.  You get to roll however you like too – my beef lies with how so many (henceforth referred to as “you”) go about looking for random hook ups.

Beef #1: Misrepresenting your intentions
If I say I would like to hang out and get to know you better in a one on one setting, that is exactly what I mean.  If I just want to have sex with you, I’ll tell you that too.   Please don’t pretend you’re looking for my person when all you really want is my pussy; it’s insulting to my intelligence, and a waste of both our times.

Beef #2:  Expecting Sex
You cannot argue that this is non-sexual verse we play in, and so I do understand the point of needing to have a sexual connection with potential partners.    But the expectation, the deluded sense of entitlement that is so prevalent is beyond unattractive…  I haven’t felt enough of a connection to kiss you, and you’re trying to push me to my knees so I can suck your cock? It’s disgusting.

Beef #3: Confusing Sexual Aggression with Dominance
Just as having a dominant personality does not make you a Dominant, neither does being sexually aggressive.  I’ve never been fully able to put my finger on why men (my experience with people who do this have all been men, but your experiences will vary) do this.  Do they think all people who identify as submissive are so passive they need situations to be forced?    Are they not actually into Power Exchange whatsoever, but think that Kink and BDSM are the same thing, so they try to force themselves into a dominant role without understanding what it’s really about, or even wanting what it’s really about?
I do not know.

A girlfriend of mine was on a vanilla date last night.  This morning, we chatted about her experience while sipping coffee in our respective big chairs.   He told me he wants to earn his way into my pants she said.  I didn’t know what to say, I’m not used to this! I laughed and told her this was a good thing.    Her date may not view himself as Dominant, but he is a Man; he is an Adult, and his behaviour reflects this.

When we’re children, we demand things.  First, we don’t have the language to ask, then we don’t have the concept of earning something.  We simply want it, and we want it now.  As adults, we should have developed the understanding that certain things require earning.  Trust, a promotion, good credit, friendship, respect – the list, she goes on.  If you want something intimate, something honest from me, you’re going to have to earn it.

So often – too often –  the topic of would you play/have sex on the first date comes up almost immediately with people.  I haven’t even met you, and you want to know if I’m down for having sex with you?

Boys will argue up and down that you need to leave room for the possibility of an immediate sexual connect, and sure, why not?  It’s happened before, it could happen again.  I am almost always open to the idea of having sex on a daily basis.  But practically speaking, what are the odds I’m going to meet a stranger on the street, and each of us feel an attraction so strong, we need to fuck in a back alleyway half hidden behind a dumpster?  1 in 100,000; in 1,000,000?

Unfortunately, you leave those boys that 1% possibility, sex becomes the goal.  Respect for the person get shoved aside in the attempt to get into your pants, and things can get ugly.

We say the corner stones of a D/s relationship (trust, respect, communication) are built over time.  Why is it that so few people practice what they preach?  It’s pure hubris (or extreme naivety) to think these things can be earned so quickly.

I don’t want a child.  I want an adult, who understand that things are earned, and who values the things they earn.

4 thoughts on “Adults Earn It

  1. Serenity9 says:

    BDSM and kink have this air of instant gratification. Expectations are skewed, and especial for those that don’t regularly get out enough to meet and have a real conversation with people. Unfortunately media and especially porn reinforces this misconception.

    What people don’t understand is that a BDSM relationship is foremost a relationship like any other. The BDSM part of it is about power exchange and can’t be taken or thought of as a conquest or something. Hell frat boys and douches are the ones who tend to think of women as conquests. Dominance for me has never been about being forceful, to me it’s about control of self. If I can’t control my baser nature how can I expect someone to give up their control to me? I don’t want my partner to have any doubts in their mind that I would abuse that control. It’s about trust, and such a thing can’t be given lightly.

    Sure sex is fun, the physical stuff is great, but I’m far more interested in the mind. The mind is the gateway to the soul and to own a mind, to have them willingly subsume their will to yours is a far more intimate thing then inserting rod A into socket B. The physical just serves to emphasize the mental and should never be the the main goal.

    Of course I’ve yet to find what I’m looking for and this is all just theoretical. That and I don’t really actively look for relationships. Partially because I lack the assertiveness to start such things, but mostly because I’m having enough fun these days to not be impatient about it.

    1. kinkopedia says:

      I agree with parts of what you’re saying. I think kink very much has an air of instant gratification, and BDSM in general has problems with inflated senses of entitlement…

      But structured, real power exchange ( You know I hate to say ‘twue’ D/s….but I kinda think it applies)? I think that stuff is too comlex to just jump into quickly, most people’s own sense of self preservation is strong enough to keep us away from that.

      I have to say, I’m making increased distinctions between BDSM, D/s, and Kink these days though.. but that’s the subject of another post.

      1. Doris Boruta says:

        Well written. Iam 62 years old and still amused and sadly disappointed why all these quick to fuck people should all get a room together. They lack respect and self respect. And in that they miss the true meaning of prissy first and person second and they never change. Careless and selfish and they deserve to get one in the same. Just call them on it and they don’t know what the he’ll your talking about. There on a different wave length. Great read!! Thank you d62

  2. Ibid says:

    I think it is safe to say that it is pretty sad when someone prefers a pussy to a person. For me, the first thing I look at is the face because of aesthetics but also because it says something about that person.

    But that aside, I have I think two more points to make. I have never expected sex on the first date or meeting. That only happened to me once and I was cautious about it. In the end, I did accept it but I also got to know her as a person which made it much more enjoyable while it lasted. As for the point of Dominance that you were making, I realize it takes a lot more than adopting labels to make yourself into a Dominant or even a Submissive.

    Adults earn it. I believe this. I also believe that there has to be an exchange of some kind to make it work: anything worthwhile in any case.

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