How to Answer E-mails?

As a female on a kinky social networking site, I get a fair amount of unsolicited mail.  Some of it very easy to ignore (Misstress, let this filthy scum worship at your fet), others that leave me wondering if I should or should reply (Hi, I read your profile and was interested). As a person who would eventually like to have a primary partner, I find myself torn on to ignore, or reply.  Usually before the third e-mail as been exchanged, they want to talk sex, and the ignoring begins.  If you can’t write 3 paragraphs without trying to pull wank fodder out of me, you’ve bored me.  And I loathe boredom.

Oh.. there is a formula for deciding who to reply to…but that’s for another post.

The ones I struggle with however, are messages like this:

Subject: Hi!

Hi heather:
I am a Creative Sadist and Master in the GTA, and really am impressed by your profile.
Are you active in the BDSM community?
How serious are you in the Lifestyle and how far in this do you need to go?

Let’s break that down.

I’ve been addressed by my preferred name, which means the author has at least glanced at my profile.  However, my name is not capitalized.  I’m willing to write that off as internet grammar instead of power play…but I do notice it.  Next, he’s asked my level of activity.  On the particular day I received this e-mail, my status listed 4 different community events I would be attending that weekend. My profile also shows that I am involved on a leadership level with 2 local groups (TNG and TsDG).  Furthermore, I list education as one of the things I dig on in kink.  Personally, I think a profile like mine shows that I am rather involved in the community and that BDSM is an important part of my life.  And his question of my involvement in the community tells me he paid very little attention to what he read.

This annoys me.

Here’s how I wanted to respond to him

Dear Xxx
Thank you for taking the time to write me.  I’m surprised to find you were impressed by my profile when you seem to have taken very little time to read it; as it currently mentions that I will be at a number of different community events this very weekend, as well as attend monthly munches, discussion groups, and lead 2 groups.  Perhaps in the future you could take the time to actually read what you claim to be interested in, instead of wasting both our time.


Okay, so I would have deleted that last bit before I sent it.

Since I happened to be in the room with a girlfriend at the time, I had a little vent and asked if she thought I should skewer him a bit in reply.  Her response surprised me.  She shared a tale of being confronted by a man who had written her at a event.  Apparently, he was rather upset with her lack of response to his e-mail, and he called on her to defend her actions.  Later, another girlfriend added a similar statement – you never know who you’ll be running into at an event someday she cautioned.

Now, call me egocentric, but I don’t think I owe anyone a response to an unsolicited e-mail.  By the same token, I don’t think anyone owes me a response should I randomly message them.  So I’ll never make any bones about not replying, and should I ever be confronted again, I’ll give the same answer I did last time. I didn’t have any interest in replying.   I feel no shame in that.

But to lambaste, or not to lambaste?  This is the new question.  Personally, receiving e-mails like the one listed above raise my ire much faster than the completely ignorant one,  because these e-mails feel dishonest.  Your words claim you pay attention, but those same words show you really didn’t at all.  You are lying to me.  And, in my world, that makes you an ass.

So do I excuse myself my admittedly rude behaviour as everyone needs to both their top now and then?  Do I trust that the real life reputation I’ve already built for myself (positive or negative) will be unaffected by the internet?  Or do I self censor to avoid an awkward, or potentially angry situation down the road?

What do you do?

6 thoughts on “How to Answer E-mails?

  1. Ibid says:

    That is an interesting question. I suppose that how you respond to someone in any situation depends on, as you said, how they address you. If they are just plain crude and offensive, those emails do not even deserve a reply.

    However, in the case of this individual … personally, I don’t think you really need to give him a reply either. The fact of the matter is, you are not interested. You do not owe him anything and, in fact, he is the one who has assumed (which is pretty much a death sentence or a maiming one in any kind of social interaction) and presumed on your own space. With regards to him meeting you at an Event of yours, that would just be ironic given the question he just asked you.

    As for others, seriously again, you don’t have to respond to them at all. What you do in your capacity as an organizer and hostess is separate from your own private time (which is your own) and, frankly, if anyone takes issue with that in public it will not be to their advantage. Not in this case. That is how I understand it.

    As for me, I have phrased much, much less offensive and presumptive emails to people and not all of them have responded. I just assume that they are not interested and move on. Sometimes, I’m disappointed but I get over it. I do not send someone an email that I would not want to be sent.

    In short, you get what you give. And if you give nothing, you get nothing. That is all.

  2. Nixie says:

    I usually always respond to an email/message sent to me. Usually something along the lines of “Thank you for your interest, but we are not interested at this time”. Yes. It is much easier having a partner already, cause I can very easily use that fact.

    Even if I didn’t have a partner, I would probably still respond to them.

  3. Whit says:

    Hmmm well you know from my journal elsewhere that I’m a big fan of the lambasting. And on collarme, I lambast then block. It gives me a little thrill.

    Hmmmm. Personally, I would still go for the satisfaction of lambasting, since anyone pathetic enough to be offended that their crappy email didn’t make you fall at their feet isn’t going to have much good will built up in the community. If you do get confronted, it would immediately be obvious (to me, at least) that the confronter is a pompous ass with an ego the size of texas.

  4. Rich says:

    Lambast is your best bet because they person lied and really they don’t care. I was on another website has nothing to do with dating and I had an image of Nixie up as part of my profile. I was hit on by men who claimed they read my profile even though it says in there that I am a man. They commented on female bits that I just did not have. I will say it was a racy image, but enough to have one lose the ability to read I just don’t see that.

    I was offended at the time and would have been even more offended had I been a woman that someone was trying to manipulate and deceive in such a manner. As for future confrontation I cannot see such a dishonest person being so bold.

  5. Silver says:


    I often have been faced with the same problem. I SO want to reply sarcastically, but often don’t.

    My theory, which isn’t the best is that if they can’t spell, I’m likely not interested. I’m absolutely horrified by “net speak” and anything that just says “R U Interested” or something of that likes is ABSOLUTELY ignored.

    Other requests like “Hey wanna fuck” I either ignore or give them my sarcastic response depending on my mood – it varies. If someone has sent me a legitamate respectful email, I always respond, even if I’m not interested with a “Thanks, but no thanks” response.

    however, it is true that you don’t know who you are going to meet at an event or something. Someone recently emailed me with a “Wanna play/fuck” message and I gave them the saracastic response, then only to realize this person is friended on FL with a number of people I know, yet *I* don’t know them. I do alot of lurking… when someone send me something through email/FL and I don’t know who you are, I figure out WHO you are. And yes, if you’re friended with someone I know, I start pre-checking references. Not because I even want to play or fuck them, because I want to understand who they are, and why they’d send me something like that. Sometimes it ends up being a newbie mistake or lack of etiquette, but also I’ve realized that my opinon of the person in question is greatly influenced by thier first impression, hence I’m apprehensive to even get to know them unless they somehow prove otherwise that they aren’t a jerk.

    Anyways, thinky thinky, I’m reading more of your Kinkopedia and you’re putting me into a laughing, but thinky mood H.



  6. hypatia says:

    She shared a tale of being confronted by a man who had written her at a event. Apparently, he was rather upset with her lack of response to his e-mail, and he called on her to defend her actions.

    I find the sheer amount of entitlement that goes into that kind of attitude to be kind of horrifying, I must say. It’s along the same lines of a catcaller following up on his calls with “bitch” when one ignores them.


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