A girlfriend and I were chatting the other day about being two single ladies in the local BDSM scene, and I confessed to always being slightly afraid we would wind up interested in the same man.
After all, we both dig on a particular style of dominant man, and despite that the fetlife statistics say, the community just isn’t that big.
Turns out, this never worries her because she noted that, I don’t go for the same type of partner she does – at least not on paper. Which has me thinking.
How well, or even realistically, do we stack up on paper?
On Paper there is very little that would attract me to any of my current play partners. They’re older, poly, more D/s focused than Top/Bottom… Yet there is something about all of them that I find attractive when I spend time with them. That’s why I enjoy having them, in all their various forms, in my life.
Much of the coupling/hooking up/grouping that happens in the kinkiverse however, is done via websites, which really bring to the forefront the problem of translating paper appearance to daily lives. How many times have we heard of friends lament about someone who they clicked with online, but the in person just wasn’t the same? Yes, sometimes it is about some server stretching of the truth; but what about those of us who simply do not translate well?
Let’s break me down on paper.
My fetlife profile? Not so ‘lifestyle’ focused. I don’t list my relationship status, or what I’m looking for. Truthfully, the only reason I have Masochist listed at my role is because I was made to pick something, and I didn’t feel that Kinkster or Unsure fit. Here is the meat and potatoes of my FetLife profile, which sits surrounded by declarations that I (like everyone else) am complicated, and (unlike everyone else) am happy in my complications:
I’m a passionate, expressive person. I’m that girl who smiles and compliments your sweater on the street; who sways publically to the private song in her head; who doesn’t always say the right thing, but really tries hard to have it come from the right place. I talk to strangers a lot, but have little interest in their candy. I’m good at finding candy all on my own. 😉
Every now and then I’ll leap up on my soapbox, have a good scream about how the Apocalypse of Fuckery is nigh, say thank you, and skip back down. At the same time, I’m far too happily defiant to let the drama stick or drag me down.
I dig on masochism, service, submission, education, and the connections that come with relationships of all sorts. I am very blessed to have a life rich with people who allow me, and help me to explore the things I dig. I also look forward to a time when life allows me explore each of these things on both a wider, and deeper level.
Said profile is accompanied by a wide variety of pictures, with varying levels of clothing (though more clothed than not).
On top of a general lack of kinky info in my profile, I’m rather selective about engaging in conversations with people who aren’t already in my life, and I do have a fuck off trolls disclaimer that has gone through various levels of nicety.
While I have little idea how submissive, or even devoted to BDSM this makes me look (at the very least I can assure you I spent very little of my time laying around a cage in lingerie), I have been told before that I come across as a bit angry/cold, and until recently, like I wasn’t looking for any kind of relationships at all.
Compare that to the feedback I get from people who know me (to varying degrees) in the community.
- Extremely dominant personality
- “Do me” bottom with no interest in submission
- Uberfriendly and approachable
To my mind, the on paper and the on the street person match up rather well; but I’m willing to admit some bias here, after all, I always feel like me, even when I’m not exactly sure who me is.
Perhaps it comes down to being more than the sum of our parts.
I did once look for the perfect on paper partner. It’s a period in my life I affectionately refer to as Heather’s Summer of Corporate Dating. I picked out profiles that I felt signalled ambition, intelligence, responsibility; but as I dated, I realized these people were just doing things to be successful according to the standards of others, they weren’t stupid, but they lacked an ability to think creatively and problem solve in the world around them. They lived, to quote the lovely woman who is the inspiration for this post, in a narrow box.
And the qualities that attract me to the currently people in my life? I still don’t know how to spot them on paper. But I know them when I feel them.